Phonetics

Grammar

Blessed

English is Weird

Plagerism . . .

My self-published friend actually has a lot of trouble with this . . . but this was cute . . .

I touch my . . .

Grammar Jokes Have Come to This

http://www.tickld.com/x/she-just-wanted-to-help-her-husband-but-learned-this-lesson-the-hard-way

Another Christmas Tree

The Dreaded Thesaurus!

Too much time reading . . .

I don't think I've posted this one yet.

Calories . . .

Always a concern after Thanksgiving . . .

The past . . .

Too Early For Christmas

Hard to Be An Artist

One thing to know as an artist: Even if you're successful, you will have a day job.  For a long, long time.  Maybe even the rest of your life.

The Aesthete

http://www.oprah.com/oprahsbookclub/Whats-Your-Reading-Personality-Quiz?cid=fb_own_own_ReadQuiz

 

Not surprisingly, I got:

 

The Aesthete

You've read many works by classic authors—from Virgil and Shakespeare to Tolstoy, Stendhal, Edith Wharton, Virginia Woolf, Ralph Ellison, Pablo Neruda and F. Scott Fitzgerald—and you savor books by award-winning contemporary authors, from Salvage the Bones and A Visit from the Goon Squad, to The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, On Beauty, Gilead or What Is the What. Plot and pacing are less important to you than the originality of the author's imagination and use of language. You revere writers whose words can exalt everyday experience into a shareable sublimeness. "Home was an idea, and like Arcadia it was lost in the past," Kate Atkinson writes in Life After Life. Discovering fresh perceptions like this is the reason you read. You're not put off if a sentence is as long as a paragraph, or if a paragraph fills a whole page, as long as the power of the author's voice continues unbroken. Nor do you mind if the book's characters are wicked, if the hero is unlucky; or if the settings are alien or hostile. The Aesthete can love Land of Love and Drowning without supporting witchcraft or adultery, and can adore The Way We Live Now without rooting for pyramid schemes. This sort of reader doesn't need a happy ending, or a neat Aesopian resolution. This sort of reader wants to immerse herself in the author's language and raptly take it all in.

What compels you above all is the sense of the author's sustained gift of expression, whether it be lyrical, understated or sonorous.

Guess What!

Guess What I haven't gotten around to doing . . .

I prefer humor, but these are pretty wise words.

Bookaholics

I should be more useful, but I'm still not quite aware that I'm in the United States again . . .  Jeez, when did I get so old?

I wish I got dinner . . .

 Strictly for my amusement . . .

I'm Back

FYI, I'm back in the States.  At least one of you didn't pray hard enough, because I didn't see, meet or get near Emun Elliott.  :(  The closest I got was walking on the beach of Moray Firth.  And if you don't know how this relates to Emun Elliott, read his list of appearances on imdb.com.

I'm still grossly behind in real life, so I'll probably not have much time to blog for a while.  But here are some pics.  The no fouling sign is from Scotland, the scenery shot is from Ireland (the black dots are cows walking on the beach) and Emun Elliott from the above mentioned role.

Vacation

Sorry to the three or four of you who actually read this, I'm going to Scotland & Ireland for a couple of weeks and will not be able to post.  Please pray for me to successfully meet and photograph Emun Elliott and survive two weeks with my mother and sister . . .

Queries

Lisa Cron taught me how to write query letters at the The Columbus Writers Conference, August 25, 2006.  I had been writing for thirteen years by that time, writing query letters for all of them.  No one had told me concisely how to write a query letter.  It’s no wonder I got so many form rejections in my early years.

The goal of your query letter: get the agent or editor to request the full manuscript.  Do this in as few words as possible.  (I'm a big preacher of cut the word count.) Agents and editors might laugh when they talk about the piles of mail they get, but it’s not really a joke.  Also, the shorter the letter, the more likely you’re not going to sabotage yourself.  Entice the agent/editor, selling is for later.

Always include the first five pages of your manuscript unless the agent/editor specifically stipulates not to.  You’re selling your writing.  Give them a sample.

OK, duh tips (taken almost verbatim from the notes Lisa Cron provided):

KEEP THE QUERY LETTER TO ONE PAGE!!!!!!

Spell the agent or editor’s name correctly.

Address it to someone specific.

Make sure there are no grammatical errors

Include your name, address, phone number and your e-mail address (yeah, you're probably e-mailing it to them, still put it in there)

Use active words

Make every word count

This is a business letter, not a personal one

Write in 12-point font.  Period.

Sign your letter

Tell the agent the word count of your manuscript, the title and genre

When you think it’s completely finished and ready to go, have someone who hasn’t read

            it before proof it for you.

Which brings us to the things you NEVER want to do:

Don’t refer the agent to a website to read an excerpt of your book or to check you out. 

Don’t be chatty, overly familiar, demanding or needy.

Don’t brag, boast or write in hyperbole.

Don’t send a picture of yourself.

Don’t apologize for anything, ever. (I actually have an agent friend that hates the word HOPE, so be cautious.)

Don’t include e-mail from friends, relatives or colleagues saying how much they like

            your book.

Don’t use cute fonts, colored paper/backgrounds or illustrations.

Don’t include a cover sketch.

Don’t send gifts, inserts, bookmarks or trinkets.

Don’t call your manuscript a “fiction novel,” it screams department of redundancy

            department, and even louder, amateur.

Don’t brag that your book is far better than the competition.

Don’t say that you’ve had your manuscript professionally edited.  (If you hire me, then you hired me.  The

            agent/editor doesn't care what my opinion is.)

Don’t list self-published books without specifying that they are self-published.  

Really, don't list self-published books, unless they’ve sold extremely well—and if so, definitely mention sales figures.  This means in the 1000's stratosphere.

If you're actually doing snail mail still, don’t FedEx your query or submission.  Unless your goal is to look
            like an amateur.

Don’t call the agent to introduce yourself first or ask to pitch your book over the phone. EVER.

OK, now this is me summarizing what the query letter itself should be.

A query letter should have four paragraphs.

1: Introduce yourself, your novel, genre, word count and put your one-sentence hook.  If you’ve met the agent or editor before, this is where to note it.  As I used to attend quite a few cons, I would always mention this.  (If I were querying Lisa Cron, I would say, Lisa, I met you at The Columbus Writers Conference, August 26, 2006.  I would that today, eight years later.) It tells the editor/agent you’re serious and what you’re doing to get your work out there. Also gives them personal contact in what is a business letter.

2: Synopsis, no more than four sentences, basic plot and characters.  I personally skip this one if the agent/editor asks for a synopsis separately.  The separately synopsis should never be over 500 words, no matter what some websites say.  Unless the agent/editor explicitly says so, one to two pages.

3: This is where you tell the agent/editor how awesome you are, i.e., I’ve published here, won X award, etc.  X award is not the English award from high school.  This is amazon.com Break-Through Novel Award. 

4: Thank the agent/editor for their time.  Offer to send the novel on their request.

Same applies to non-fiction, but I don’t really deal with non-fiction authors.

This is a basic mock-up of my current query letter.  I’m not as interested in publishing my work as I used to be, so I don’t use it as much, but I’m including it as an example:

Dear Mr/s. Agent:

I would like to submit my novel, THE BOY, for your review.  It is a new adult piece about a young man who is trying to create himself while denying the image the media has thrust upon him.  It is 100,500 words long. 

Jinsey, “The Boy,” spends the novel trying to understand why people are obsessed with him.  He let a famous photographer take some pictures of him as a teen, and year after year, for reasons incomprehensible to him, the image flourishes.  After a decade of trying to create an image autonomous of The Boy, he finally accepts that no matter what image the media tries to force on him, he is who he is. 

THE BOY was in the top 100 of the premiere amazon.com Break-Through Novel Awards in 2008.  During this competition, a review from Publishers Weekly compared the work to John Irving during his Garp-era and stated, “As a whole, this is a superb novel, populated with lifelike characters who reveal themselves through dialogue and showcasing the potential of the novel as a form of entertaining and artistic expression.” 

My work also appeared periodically with Consent Magazine from Winter 2000 through Fall 2005.  I’ve published with microhorror.com, numerous anthologies and have had artwork published with Eclipse.  I was a speaker at Marcon 2010 and was a content editor briefly with Crimson Frost Publishing in 2013.  I am now a freelance editor.  My current client list includes Michelle Fox.

Many thanks for your time.  I will be happy to send the full manuscript upon your request. 

Rachel Landis

and here I put my address, phone number and e-mail address.

Yeah, I used two paragraphs for the synopsis, but that's because THE BOY actually has an impressive review already attached to it.  This is OK in extreme circumstances.

Listless Questions

OK, I've touched on this before, but apparently I need to go over it again.  I edit a lot of romance, so this one is one of my least favorite “mistakes” in writing.  Romance is polluted with this.  Romance supposedly is working to showcase strong women, but nothing can undermine this faster than a set of listless questions.

Listless questions are evil because:

1. Authors who use them tend to think this is OK to do so ad nauseum.

2. Makes the heroine look weak because she’s constantly wondering what she should do, but it rarely shows her answering the questions or taking the reigns and doing it.

3. They slow down the story because they’re cerebral.  We’re in the character’s head, following their thoughts.  Action is almost always better than thought.

4. Yet another example of the character telling instead of showing.  (Questions are TALKing to/TELLing one’s self.)

I have been told more than once that this is a style and a conscious choice.  I would challenge these authors to be honest with themselves.  Listless questions are a habit.  If one character does it in one story, that’s a style choice.  Story after story after story for ten years?  Spew this mess to another editor.

Dear Author

Dear Author:

You do not have to take all, or even any of my suggestions.  It's your story.

I point out everything, and I mean everything, when I'm reviewing a WIP.  I do not generally put a positive or negative spin, as even the worst writing technique can work in the right scenario.

However, if you're not going to accept my expertise and advice, what's the point of having me read your work?

Pet Peeve #1

Disrespect is an intransitive verb.  John cannot DISRESPECT someone.  The verb doesn't work that way.  STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!!!  If you do not know the difference between transitive and intransitive verbs, GOOGLE IT!!!  JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE DOES IT DOESN'T MAKE IT WRITE!!!

Thank you, now back to our regularly scheduled blogging . . .

Telly

OK, so this  post is about television and not reading or writing, but there is value in television programs and movies.  Mostly, learning about plots and characters. 

You would think not having regular television would mean I have an excess of time.  I think I have less time than I did before.  But I have an extra $50 dollars a month to pay other bills with.  (Yeah, just $50, never been a BIG fan of the telly.)

I have a plethora of movies I've never gotten around to watching.  Yesterday, I watched Clockwork Orange and Vanity Fair with Reese Witherspoon.

In college, I would have loved Clockwork Orange.  It's very 70's.  Has great language and imagery.  But now, I'm an adult paying bills.  I spent the first 20 minutes asking my husband what the point was.  The rest of the time, I had my eyebrow arched, trying to see the young man in the crusty actor I presently know as Malcolm McDowell.  Nevertheless, not a complete waste.  As least, I can say I've seen the movie now.  Oh, and silver lining?  Yes, the guy who plays Dim was in the same Inspector George Gently episode as Emun Elliott.  :D


Vanity Fair with Reese Witherspoon, on the other hand . . . If you've read Vanity Fair, you'll have a heart attack over this version.  Beautiful scenery, luscious costumes and basically follows the plot.  But Becky in the book is a sociopath.  I couldn't help but pity Reese Witherspoon as Becky.  And that ending, that's the kind of ending romance authors would give Vanity Fair.  If you haven't read the book . . . well, why the *&%# would you want to watch Vanity Fair if you've never read the book?

Today, The Paradise is airing on PBS (I still have PBS).  Though I have The Paradise on DVD and it's also on Netflix, I am going to watch it again.  Just in case they changed something.

Aussi, mon francais est rouille, mais j'essayais faire avancer.

And last but not least: You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

Emun . . .

Just a short one today & nothing to do with writing:  My husband was grumbling about Emun Elliott.  I said, "I bet you can't spell his name."  Pregnant pause.  "E--"  Baby-being-born pause.  "M-O-N."  Me: "E-M-U-N."  My wonderful, loving husband, "So backwards, his name is NOOM."  "Or NUMMY."

Undoubtedly, I'm not the first person in the world to come up with this, but it made me happy and it shut my husband up.

Evil Words

I'm gonna kinda be lazy today.  I know, been lazy for a while . . .

This is my evil word list.  Everyone who's worked with me knows about it.  Perhaps not the full list, but they know.  Hopefully, this is self-explanatory.  It's a guideline for words you should avoid or use sparingly.  I don't like to see more than four of these every 250 words.  And yes, I count them.  Computers are wonderful things. 

It's not that these words in and of themselves are evil.  They usually signal another problem in the writing skills. All adverbs & to a degree, adjectives: when writing you want to stick to nouns and verbs as much as possible.  I touched on this a little in blog two, but the truth is 'he ran fast' would be much better served by 'he dashed.'  So get rid the adverb/adjective and try to use nouns and verbs to accurately describe the scene.

Hedging words: same thing.  'He didn't quite smile.'  If he didn't quite smile, what did he do?  'He smirked' will serve better than a hedging word.  And aaaaa llllooooottttt of these words are adverbs, so it's a category that repeats itself.  AND WE NEVER WANT TO REPEAT OURSELVES.  But that category is particularly bad adverbs.

Overused words are words that novice authors really don't have a way of knowing without experience.  Most published books have cleaned up overused words because they've been fleeced by an editor.  Once you start to see them abused, you'll identify them quickly.  I have more patience with thing than feel, but both make me cringe when I see thing. And really, what does beautiful mean?  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  So describe WHAT the beholder sees.

Cerebral words:  These all get used wwwaaaaaayyyyyyy too much.  Cerebral words signal that an author is writing passive voice or telling instead of showing.  The action needs to stay action and stay out of your character's head as much as possible.  It's almost impossible to pull off good writing when using too many thought terms. 'I thought I saw a ghost.'  'The mist had coagulated into human form, tricking my eyes.'

And lastly: Mundane actions.  This is another one that's hard for novice authors to pick up on.  Editors are supposed to clean this last category up, but the more self-published and e-pubbed stuff I read, the more of the last category I see.  Which means the editor is as lazy as the author.  Nothing wrong exactly with the last category, except that the author has decided they don't want to work at describing something.  Me, I read, 'he nodded' twenty times and the character becomes a bobble head doll. That's fine for a rough draft, get through it.  But when refining the draft, those words need to go.   Printed books rarely let an author get away with that level of writing. 

All adverbs & to a degree, adjectives

Hedging words:

quite

seem,

sure,

almost,

maybe,

certain,

doubt,

so

some

suppose,

might,

lead-in & hedging phrases

just,

really,

kind of/sort of

perhaps

appear

Overused words:

thing,

feel,

hope

sense,

AND

there is/are/was/were,

beauty/beautiful

obvious

Cerebral words:

thought,

know,

consider,

recognize,

idea,

imagine,

assume,

understand,

believe,

wonder,

remind,

Mundane actions:

nod,

shook,

smile,

shrug

laugh,

Look & eyes

turn,

push,

grin,

giggle,

sigh,

pull

groan,

pain,

admit,

see/saw,

shrug

pause

 OK, that's enough for a Sunday morning.

Yea!!!!

Two amazing things happened to me on July . . . oh &^%# . . . whatever day last Sunday was.  July 20, 2014. 

I was paid for the first time in my editorial career.  And paid well.  :D  Thank you, Michelle, who publishes under a slurry of pseudonyms, Michelle Fox and Michelle McLeod being two.  If you like romance or paranormal romance, I recommend her.

I was an extra in a movie.  ;)  In a movie no one has ever heard of and few will probably see when it's finally available.  It really rocked.  A learning experience.  Well, taught me more of what I already know.

I'm a happy camper.  Follow your dreams, but don't put a dollar sign, stop watch or a ladder rung on them. 

Now I'm going to go down to my kitchen tohave some panna cotta that I made earlier and then watch Smurfs on DVR.  Eat your heart out, Emun Elliott.

Branding

OK—I know I’m a slacker, but hey! My backyard looks so much better!

Now it’s time for one of my least favorite topics: Branding.  Yep, you’re a commodity.  I, as an editor and supposed artist, hate it. 

            To be successful for an extended period of time, you have to have a brand.  You have to write the same genre at a consistent level of quality over time.  Authors who are good at branding can build up a following and put out substandard quality.  Sucks.  Like vampires.  Anne Rice is a brand.  You probably know her brand without me saying it.  People don’t read Anne Rice for the Vampire Jesus Christ.  They read her for the Vampire Lestat.  Though the Vampire Jesus Christ would be an interesting concept if she hadn’t already tackled it.  Her fans want Lestat goes to Paris, Lestat goes to New Orleans, Lestat goes to New York, Lestat goes to Wal-Mart.

            Have you read J.K. Rowling’s book, The Casual Vacancy.  Yeah, me neither.  It’s not Harry Potter.  I found one or two flaws with at least one Harry Potter book, but these were ignored by her fans.  Now she’s left her brand.  So she’s probably still selling very well (relatively speaking), but only with hard-core fans.  The Harry Potter fans will forgive almost anything in the Harry Potter universe.  Step outside of the universe, suddenly, every flaw is visible.

            Very few authors have it in them to be a brand.  Goes against the art of being a writer.  Most writers write a little bit of everything.  I write a little speculative fiction, a little erotica, a little coming of age, a little . . . you get the picture.  And I’m not the exception.  Unfortunately, the first question most authors are asked is, “What do you write?”  A professional in the industry will respond much better to an author who has a ready answer than a novice who dabbles in multiple genres.

            OK, so how does one, who is actually crazy enough to want to, create a brand?

            ONE (going simple this time): Pick ONE genre.  Really, the most important part.  “I write quality fiction” is not an answer.  It’s too broad.  (And you’re probably wrong, it’s probably NOT quality.)  If your inner artist is screaming over this, slap duct tape over his mouth.

            You’re not sure what genre you write?  Look at your characters and plot.  You’ll start to see similarities.  Consistently writing from the POV of a bitchy woman in her 30’s?  Women’s literature or feminist literature.  Vampires?  Used to mean horror, but now it means urban fantasy.  Unless it’s set in 1800’s Germany, then it’s historical or period fantasy.  And if you don’t know what genre or it’s not obvious, the writing had better be FANTASTIC!!!!  Because that's the only way it will get noticed in this media climate.

            Second part of branding: consistent level of quality.  This is not what editors are for, but it feels like it.  It’s yet another part that depresses me.  I’m frequently doing an author’s job, getting their manuscript up to the quality it needs to be (or telling them they need to do it), because the author is in a mad dash to make a deadline.  I slack off too (see first sentence of blog), so I get it.  Still, when I know an author has it in them to put out quality material and I see evil words everywhere, it’s frustrating.  Honest, I don’t like saying, “Fix this, that and really, they let you play with matches?”  

            Third part: Continually doing it.  This is kind of a hard one to figure out.  This would be setting a pace that you as an author can write decent quality and original stories, but still keep the fans’ interest.  Set the pace too fast, you burn out and/or put out slacker quality work.  Too slow, you lose fans.  George R.R. Martin and J.K. Rowling are both the exceptions.  Most fans want a novel once a year.  And unfortunately, if you’re working for a publishing company, you probably aren’t going to get to set your own pace.

            So, to review:  Why do you want to be a professional writer?

            Brand:

1.      Pick a genre. 

2.      Write quality consistently

3.      Do it for a long time

Picture of Emun Elliott, to make me happy.

Slacker

OK, I know I've been slacking.  Yet another reason I've not been as widely published as maybe I could be, there always seems to be something more important than submitting query letters.

This is my backyard.

You can't tell by looking at it, but it's five and half, six feet tall in some places.  As I do not want to do this again next year, I am ripping the stuff out by hand, pulverizing it.

So, I'm slacking on my blog.  I've got a couple things written for blog time, but not typed up.  And with the amount of work needed in the yard, you might not get to read my senselessness until September.  And then, I'm going to Ireland and Scotland.  Maybe I'll even get to stalk Emun Elliott a little.  :D

Mourning

I’m in mourning this weekend.  I have said good-bye to Vampire Diaries, I am giving up my DVR and satellite and I have completed my odyssey into The Paradise.  I have read Pot-Bouille and Au Bonheur des Dames, and have absolutely no intention of reading the remaining 18 novels in Les Rougon-Macquart series.  I have watched completely season one and two of The Paradise and feel closure at the end of the last episode of season two.  I do not think a season three is necessary and cannot imagine what a season three could contain.  I’m still in love with Emun Elliott and my husband is still unconcerned.  And well, if I ever met Emun Elliott, I’d probably be so quiet that he wouldn’t notice me.  Unless I did one of my ever-fashionable walking-into-a-wall for no apparent reason moves . . .  I’ve finished a series of short stories based on Emun Elliott’s face . . . which will probably serve no other purpose than to amuse my husband and myself.

Yes, a weekend of endings.  And as you can tell, I’m a multi-tasker.

The point of that ample prologue—and note, I’m generally against prologues—is that while reading Pot-Bouille and Au Bonheur des Dames, I noticed something that I knew before but had forgotten.  Writers tend to be studied in the classics, having read excellent works by Charles Dickens and George Eliot.  When I sit down to read a classic, I keep a notepad next to me and jot down the name of every character mentioned, traits and their importance to the story as I’m sifting through this classic.  That way, if I lose track of who is who, I can refresh my memory.  If I have to do that with one of my authors, you will get a lecture in written form.

Back in the good ole days, when the quality of writing was better (or at least, it seems that way because only the best has survived), readers had a different education.  Latin was common.  The Bible was expected to be read by juveniles.  A good number of novels out there were serialized.  Like television today, people waited with baited breath for the next installment to appear.  Authors took much more care with creating characters and, because there weren’t lots of other media offering storytelling options, readers would lap up even the worst or most cumbersome of character descriptions. 

That ain’t the way it is today.  Television gives a visual; the audience doesn’t have to remember characteristics or try to keep them straight.  Even with the worst acting, they can see the physical actor before them.  Those who still read are either authors themselves (who have studied the classics) or are lovers of books.  They may have read some of the classics, but not made their lives studying them.  The classics probably aren’t their favorites.  They are probably readers of romance, sci-fi or some other genre that is cranked out in endless regurgitations of what has already been written a million times.

I understand why so many authors have not gotten a memo on this.  We, the authors, have played with the characters in our heads, possibly for years.  They have made us cry and laugh, amused us with our own brilliance.  Do not delude yourself into thinking it will be the same for the reader.  The reader wants entertainment or utter &^%$ brilliance that is so awesome that it cannot be denied by a single person gasping in the radiance of it.  And don’t delude yourself into thinking your work is utter &^%$ brilliance as just described.  It’s not.  (This is my biggest obstacle with authors.  It makes them think the rules somehow don’t apply to them.  I often ask an author why they have deluded themselves.  The answers are incredibly amusing.  WRONG.  But amusing.)  There’s only a handful of authors who fall into the category of utter &^%$ brilliance and I’ve only met them through conventions and book signing lines.  I do not delude myself into thinking anyone whose work is utter &^%$ brilliance would be reading my blog.

That’s not to say what you’re writing isn’t good.  Just remember where you are on the totem pole.  And really, do you want your reader to be sitting with a notepad, trying to keep track of which character is which?  Don’t make your reader work.  Do your job the write way.  And because I can, I’m putting a ;) here.

My first royalty statement

I apologize to all of you who actually bother to read these posts.  As many of you have found out, I have the attention span of a lemur.  I will eventually write & post part three of what acting has taught me about writing.  I expect it to be completed in four parts. 

The fact of the matter is I'd rather being taking a quiz on which classic rock band I am (The Clash) than writing a blog.

I did want to take a moment and give a reality check to some authors.  I know, had a blog titled that already.  I think the cold, hard truth is more effective.

I happened to get a royalty statement for my work put in from August to December of last year:  One of my authors sold 5 copies of her story.  Another sold 6.  The runaway success sold 90.  I assure you I put in at least 100 hours of work helping these authors perfect their stories.  So, for my efforts, I earned $9.26.  The decimal is in the right place.  One of my friends sincerely earned $0.45.  Really.  Another got a royalty check for one penny.  BTW, I've left that publishing house and once my contract is officially up at the end of the month, I'm going back to freelancing.  I don't think I'm going to bother to collect my paycheck . . . 

Ask yourselves again why you write.  And remember that the hard part of writing is selling the story, not writing it.

Was that a little negative?  If Emun Elliott makes you happy (he makes me happy), think of him.  If you're more of a Johnny Depp or Ian Somerhalder fan, think of one of them.  Or chocolate.  Chocolate makes the world go round.

We interrupt . . .

My husband asked me to write a story for him.  So I wrote a scandalous sex story about Emun Elliott that would embarrass me if he ever read it . . .

Part Two

I should have known once I tackled the acting thing, I'd have trouble focusing on blogging . . .

OK, part two, what acting has taught me about writing: LAGS

Lags will kill a theatrical or a musical.  Something has to be happening.  Music, jokes, something.  But to quote Hemmingway, “Never mistake motion for action.”  Since all the author has to work with is words, this means that the author has to be constantly moving the story forward.

The more connected the action is to the central plot the better.  I have the attention span of a gnat.  It’s sad and true.  If Ritalin was marketed when I was a child, I would have been on it.  Counter-intuitive that I’d be a good editor.  In fact, because I have zero patience for drag, it makes me excellent at rooting it out.  And in case you haven’t detected it, I have some focus issues with this blog.  See, attention span of—and I’m now in love with Emun Elliott and am completely over Ian Somerhalder.  Well, almost . . .

I can rant about lag.  As much as I can scream, "DON'T DO IT!", the fact is, most of you don't know you're doing it.  That's where yet another thing I learned from acting has helped me with writing: have an audience review your work and have a committee that you can discuss your writing and notions with.

If you have no audience, you have no purpose in your writing.  But if you have an audience, even a small one, you can observe them with your work.  Study what they laugh at, when they're tilting their head like they're bored, slouching a bit, or sitting up straight, not blinking as much (not blinking is a good thing) . . . yes, you have to be a body language expert for this one, but being a body language expert will also help your writing.

A committee, well, this is your writing group.  See my other blogs for opinions on that.  Having a trusted, educated, honest committee will help you with lag.  Movies take a village.  Writing seems more solitary, but good writing is not.  Excellent writing can't be.

OK, again, I'm going to stop now.  I'm reading Pot Luck, by Emile Zola, which I love (because of Emun Elliott--but more on that later). This book will undoubtedly get its own blog entry.  Nevertheless, there are more important things in life than blogging.

HAPPY EASTER!!!

OK, Big Drum Roll, Please

The first in possibly several blog entries: 

What Acting Has Taught Me About Writing

When I’m reading someone’s WIP, it’s obvious to me if they watch too much TV or see too many movies.  Someone who doesn’t act or participate in the creation of television or movie programs focus on the most basic, surface aspects: dialogue, eyes, mouth. 

If you’ve ever read a script, it’s pretty dry.  Dialogue, dialogue, dialogue, exit scene.  Act II. 

Dialogue:  Who’s on first.

Doesn’t do much. 

Now relate it to Abbott and Costello.  If you don’t picture a tallish, thin guy with a straight face and short roundish guy with big, glassy eyes, you don’t have parents as old as mine.  Costello’s lip quiver, the way he turns his head to the audience, seeks assistance with what is obvious insanity is precious.  The radio classics had even less to work with.  They had their voices.  All you could do was imagine Costello’s bewilderment as his voice raced up and down the octave.

A few people can pull off a story that is nothing but dialogue, but the work has to be tight.

Ever seen a script after an actor has had it?  Marked to pieces.  Say this word louder.  Or a crescendo mark will be present.  Almost all actors have musical backgrounds.

Me, first acting class, my acting handbook open to the first page:  Dialogue

“Don’t write an emotion.  Write an action.  Because, if you’re hungry and you wrote down sad, it’s going to be hard to pull off.  But if you write down an action, head down, hand to the chest, sniffling, you’ve got actions telling your audience you’re sad.”

Yep, learned that in acting class.  Never told that once in a writing class.  The best way to convey an emotion is to never say it.  Writers and editors alike will comment on the excellence of an author’s WIP when it’s pulled off. 

The best actors are always moving.  That doesn’t mean they’re running all over the stage.  It means that the actor has to show they’re alive every minute of a performance, has to be aware of where their hand is resting, what the blocking is, smirking at this, frowning at that, raising the brow at precisely the right time.  Little motions are better than big motions.  Make the reader/audience member focus on the performance, on the tiny minutiae.  Being an expert at body language will do wonders for your work.

  And because this has gotten kind of long and I haven't even cracked the surface, I'm cutting it off here and sparing those of you who can't take much of my rambling.

Fix It

Sometimes I feel like I'm Dr. Phil.  He often says on his show how many parents bring him their children, offer it up to the alter of Dr. Phil and say, "Fix it."

Authors do this to me.  They bring their babies, their beautiful stories.  To me, they often resemble Quasimodo.  And they bat their eyes at me, usually big, blue, wet eyes.  So full of hope, waiting for me to tell them how great their story is.  And then expect me to pull out my wand made of ash wood with a unicorn hair core.  And fix it.

If I had my way, I’d say, “Avada Kedavra!”

1. If I did actually just go through and "fix it," the author would have a heart attack.  I've just turned their child into the elephant man. 

2. My job as editor is not to "fix" your work.  My job as an editor is to point out errors and inconsistencies and show you the way to fix it yourself.  If you want someone to "fix" your writing, hire a ghost writer.

Authors come to me looking for justification for their actions.  I’m not a priest.  I can’t absolve you.

They look for me to give them approval.  I’m nobody.  Why do you need my approval?

They look to me to do their work for them.  I’m probably lazier than you are.  Look somewhere else.

The fact of the matter:  all the tools any author needs are already out there.  More power to you if you're willing and want to do the work.

So why write a blog at all?

I like the sound of my computer keys as my fingers race over them.

Deadlines

I suppose this entry should be listed as "pet peeves of the week."



This one seems so simple.  You'd think more authors would get it.  Nope.  Authors miss deadlines (at least mine do) so often that I wonder at giving an author a deadline at all.  I've heard some wowser excuses too.  Which I'll kindly omit.

Writing is an art.  (Insert birds chirping and sappy music.)  Authors sit in front of their writing desks, tablets, notebooks, dreaming of being famous.  (Really?  You want to be a FAMOUS author?  If you want to be famous, murder someone in some way that was previously unimagined.  Your creativity will be put to much better use.  Don't try to be famous via fictional writing--even authors I love I rarely recognize in pictures.)

When I tell an author I want X, Y and Z by 00/00/00, I WANT X,Y AND Z (and I do mean Z too) BY 00/00/00.  Why in the world do authors think I have a sense of humor about this?  It doesn't even look like the punchline of a joke. 

I know most of you don't know me, but I am a hard core *&#$%.  If it's the first or second round, I automatically build in a week to the date, because I've learned.  I'm still mega-&^%$#, so if you can't make the date I've given, let me know.  I'll probably even by nice about saying, "Yeah, sure.  That's fine."  I will not be so nice if you make me e-mail you.

Issue one:  Most authors, especially novices, need a reality check.  Publishing is a business.  Period.  The publishing company doesn’t care if you have a day job.  The publishing company doesn’t care if it’s art.  The publishing company doesn't care if you cat at the computer pic went viral.  The publishing company cares if a book sells and the publishing company has standards, so it demands that the authors meet deadlines. 

Once in a blue moon, you will find a tiny or new publisher desperate for authors that will give more leeway in the deadlines area.  But small and new publishers are also more desperate to get work out to the public, to build up that all-mighy, mythical reader base.  (Have you seen statistics on how many people read?)  So you might find small or new publishers indecisive about deadlines.   But regardless, publishing is built around deadlines, bottom line and business standards.

I would love to be all wishy-washy and touchy-feely about this (cue the music again), but the fact is that if you have a job where you work 40/50 hours a week, three screaming kids, a husband who means well but can't clean the house, publishing isn't for you.  Put it off until the kids are in college, you get an amicable divorce and you can back off to working 20 hours a week.  If what you're writing is actually good, it will still be good in 20 years.  Be honest, Pride & Prejudice & Zombies is a classic that will live on in the minds of young and old alike . . . forever.

Second issue:  Most authors honestly think what they've submitted is complete.  Unfortunately, it's more like that Grumpy Cat picture:  "Is your story over yet?  I've passed kidney stones less painful than this."  Authors are completely unprepared to do (and sometimes incapable of doing) what is necessary to get their story to X, Y and Z in the time frame necessary.   Until you've worked with a serious, professional editor or published author who is willing to mentor you in an honest, constructive way, most unpublished authors cannot fathom what they'll be up against.

And ask yourself, "Why do I need to publish this?  Why do I need someone else to qualify the quality of this work and justify my existance?"

 Once I realized that all the scrambling for agents and editors was me trying to get someone else to tell me my life was worth living, I stopped.  I have published very little.  I've edited A LOT.  You will find I now have a low threshold for BS.

I guess the long and short of what I'm saying:  If you're not ready to crucify your baby ('cause we all think our WIPs are our cutesy wittle muffin-pies), you're probably not ready for publication.  If my earlier blogs astounded you, join a writers group, go to a convention, take some classes.  Get some education. 

Then come back and try to write what you deserve to be writing and what readers crave.  Then you'll have no problem with deadlines . . . .

In Medias Res

Yep, what I love to do on a Sunday morning is read ten pages of senseless dribble not at all related to the plot or the characters.

This is a lot more common than writers think and they commit this sin a lot more frequently than they admit.  I have in fact argued with writers over this.  (Picture me hurling cat toys at a screen as an author tries to justify wasting my time.)

When I was in college, I heard the sacred In Medias Res all the time.  'You have to start In Medias Res.'  'Your characters need to be In Medias Res.'  Avada kedavra! you *&^%#$ writing professor.  If you could actually nail down a professor to what they meant by this--have you tried to nail a professor down?  Bloody and messy!  Anyway, if you could get a professors to define what they meant, they'd say that new writers can usually delete the first ten pages of their WIP.  That idea fascinated me.  I started deleting the first ten pages of everything.  A little tweaking, and hot damn, the professors were right!  Then I started reading other people's stuff.  Wow.  Somehow they had not gotten this piece of advice.  Or had ignored it.

A writer who is a little more savvy, who has taken maybe a writing class or two:  they jump right into the story, the plot is so obvious you have to beat the thing off with a stick.  The first page, two pages, three pages, squee--someone who actually knows how to write and tell a story!  Then the following ten pages are mind-numbingly dull and pointless. 

Seriously, you're writing a romance and sending your main character off to be alone and not mention the hunky guy she just met even once?  In fact, you're going to give me deep, involved details about the scenery?  For ten pages?  Really?  You think I'm a lucky reader to see how artfully you can describe trees?  You just made me look up deciduous and you're proud of yourself?  Did I mention this was for TEN PAGES?   

Or hey, even worse, and a lot more frequent, the science fiction thriller that never launches because the author spends ten pages talking about the ship and the captain standing on the bridge and yeomen walking the halls and other pointless, nameless, blah characters sitting around and absolutely nothing is happening.  If the description is well-done, sci-fi readers will have a little more patience, because the error occurs so much more often--have you ever watched a movie on the Sci-Fi Channel?  These people are masters of the ridiculous.  My experience tends to be with unpublished or self-published authors who do not pull this off, who are just yammering and not describing.  The beginning has an 'and then' feel. 

I'm not sure which error is worse, the one where the writer needs to cut the first ten pages or the writer who tries to mask that they've got ten pages of nothing after a fantastic opening.

Either way, boring is bad.  Don't do it.  The story has to be gripping the whole way through, especially with a modern audience.  Today's readers have too many other options.  Yeah, television and movies are insulting, but they're so much easier than engaging a shrunken brain.  Don't bore them.  Don't make them regret how many authors have easy access to publication--either through self-publication or through small publishers desperate to put anything out there.

Please, please, please, stop torturing me. 

If I don't turn to carrion, I may make another blog entry in a week or two . . . or three.

Read . . .

Was dealing with an author the other day who had some talent, but IMO, needed a lot more work before her WIP was ready.  She raved about how much she liked to read, how she'd read everything she could get her hands on in X genre.

Generally, if you're an author, reading is good advice.  I don't like to read all that much.  I know, I know . . . I'm passionate about it, but I read way too much crap to be enthusiastic about it anymore.

My advice on reading:  yes, do read, read A LOT.  READ ALL KINDS OF THINGS.  Read Internet articles that make you cringe of the grammar.  Read novels in hard cover, read paperbacks about Star Trek, read stuff written by high school students and adults who write like high school students but think they're going to be on the best sellers list, read cookbooks and style manuals and how-to books.  READ EVERYTHING.

But very few people are successfully self-taught.  Reading only what you like and only in a specific genre will not educate you.  It will teach you certain flaws are acceptable.  When an author uses . . . that it is OK.  No, it's OK about two times. When I see a manuscript peppered with ellipses, I know automatically what genres the author is restricting themselves to, there's about three that do it.

My advice on being a good writer:

1. Join a writing group, a good one.  One where the other authors are honest, professional, positive and preferably at the same writing level as you.  Hearing how other authors talk and what their experiences are will be an eye-opener for a novice.  Getting an honest critique will be incredibly helpful if the author allows themselves to be open to comments.  When joining a writing group, beware of toxic critiques, author bashing, and on the opposite end, people who say only great things.  You are not J.K. Rowling.  And even J.K. Rowling has a flaw or two in her work.

2. Read articles about writing and the publishing industry.  Read self-help books about how to write better.  Do the exercises suggested in these books.  Follow the tips. 

3. Learn how to edit your work.  Keep a list of flaws.  Mine include dialogue-heavy scenes (I studied acting, seriously, for a year), evil words (yeah, write with them, do whatever you need to get it down on paper or computer, etc., then get rid of it), passive voice.  See my first blog for the mistakes I see most frequently when I edit other people's work.

4. Go to writing conventions.  Like joining a writing group, being around other authors is insightful and motivating.  Meeting professionals offers great opportunities.  And hearing other authors and professionals is incredibly educational.

5. Take a writing course.  Hell yes, learn HOW to write.  Even better, take an English class and learn how to use correct grammar.  Other coursew that are helpful to writers: acting courses (I can rave about what acting has taught me about writing and will in the future), psychology courses, anthropology and sociology courses, history.  You get the gist, write . . . er . . . right?

5. And read some more.